Roger's Story
Roger
The Power of 'and' During the Holidays
By Avery McLeod, LLMSW
I remember the first year I experienced grief headed into the holiday season. For years I remained blissfully unaware of my underlying grief, but there came a point where I simply couldn’t ignore it. I had just become estranged from most of my extended family when I suddenly realized that I wasn’t sure where I would go on holidays, whom I would see, what traditions I would be able to maintain, and – most of all – how I would find anything to celebrate in the midst of so much grief.
However, I soon discovered that I was not the only one timidly entering into the holiday season, afraid of how it might stir up more pain. The more I looked around, the more I was confronted with our collective grief. Just as this was my first holiday without the (dis)comfort of my extended family, for others it was the first holiday:
after a divorce
with a change in tradition
after a loved one had passed
that the kids wouldn’t be spending it with them
after an estrangement
recognizing something didn’t meet their expectations
after losing a pet
Dual Process Model of Grief
Through conversations with others, I learned that many people navigating this grief exemplified the nuanced idea of something being “both/and” rather than “either/or.”
How did they do this? By being able to hold two things as true at the same time. Researchers have referred to this idea as the “Dual Process Model of Grief,” where there are loss-oriented activities, like crying and anger, as well as restoration-oriented activities like the creation of a new and exciting tradition. What is important to realize is that both sets of activities are equally important to our healing.
As we enter the holiday season, it may be helpful to embrace a “both/and” mentality rooted in self-compassion. Dr. Kristin Neff names the key elements of self-compassion as mindfulness, common humanity, self-kindness, and reaching out for support. In action this may look like:
The key elements of self compassion
Taking a moment on a busy holiday to check-in with ourselves to identify 1-3 feelings we might be experiencing.
Asking ourselves if there are any traditions we have always wanted to incorporate.
Determining what brings us comfort and finding ways to incorporate more of these things into our lives.
Reaching out to check on someone we know who may also be experiencing grief this holiday season.
Leaning on our “chosen family” during holiday celebrations.
Allowing ourselves the space to grieve and validating the emotions we sense coming up -- no matter how complicated they might feel.
As Francis Weller says, “We are remade in times of grief, broken apart and reassembled. It is hard, painful, unbidden work.” If you are feeling overwhelmed by your grief, know that there is support for you. From individual therapy to support groups, The Women’s Center offers a variety of services. Find out more here.